What Kind of Parent Are You?

First, I am an introvert. No, I do not hate people. I like people, people are cool. I enjoy listening to people…well, unless their dialog consists of the recounting of their day, a retelling of a conversation that has no context to the present situation, or any other inane bullshit that makes me concerned for the children they bear. Just, as an introvert, I’d rather not be the one talking. And, since I am non-conversing, I observe.

Recently, I accompanied my 7 year old daughter to a Friday night birthday party at the local roller skating rink. We stopped first at a Toys R Us to pick up a gift comparable to the cost of the event, and I wrapped the gift in the back of the mini-van while my daughter filled out the card. We got to the event a little later than most; the children were already gliding counterclockwise to loud pop music and the parents had amassed to the empty space between the birthday tables and the wall. After assisting my daughter with her skates and leading her to the tables, her skates digging into my ankles as she tried to find her balance, my daughter quickly spotted the birthday girl, gave her a hug, then slid into a seat with fellow first-skaters. I smiled and waved hello to the host then found a place close enough to the tables to show my connection to the party but far enough away to not get snagged into one of the conversations of the parents. Perfect observing distance.

For this evening’s observation study, I choose to watch the interactions between the children and their parents. Prior to the 21^st century, parenting seemingly fell into just two categories: good or bad. Since the early 2000’s, parenting has been compartmentalized, named, categorized, and put into neat little boxes and used by the media speculating why a child gunned down his classmate or assaulted her teacher. This night, I quickly spotted the Helicopter Parent, so named according to Wikipedia, because, like helicopters, they hover overhead. This women was the black belt of helicopter parenting as she stood directly behind her daughter at the table, directing her every movement but completely oblivious of her daughter’s feelings. I felt sorry for the girl, I could see her smile and start to loosen up with the girls around her then she’d glance over her shoulder and see her mother and quickly tighten up again, lose her smile and straighten her posture. I looked for the free-range child with no parent present, but there were no disciples of Lenore Skenazy this evening. There was a parent present that was not present – you know the one – she looked in her phone to fix her hair and make-up, she smiled and flirted with the dads at the party, and she was so involved with her surroundings that you would have thought she didn’t bring a child to this party. Her child was easy to spot. Her child sat at the table with a Cheshire cat grin and stuck her finger in each of the cupcakes; and, while skating was reprimanded repeatedly by the teenage refs to mind the rink rules. The rest of the parents present, moms specifically, fell into types, one was the suburban moms (also known as soccer moms) and the rest, the working moms. The differences between the types were clear, the suburban moms had perfectly straightened hair, gorgeous scarves around their necks and knee-high, perfectly polished boots; and the working moms were still dressed in their work clothes, comfortable shoes, and a tired look in their eyes. The suburban moms and the working moms certainly have different looks and lifestyles but their treatment of their children was very similar, they checked in with their child from time to time, redirected behavior when necessary, and generally let their child participate and socialize, at will. I would label them the Modern Parent. And, where did I fit in? Although, the actual ratio, based on a random sample by the Myers-Briggs organization in 1998, showed Introverts at 50.7% and Extroverts at 49.3% in the US, no other parent there fell on my introvert radar. They probably had a really good excuse.

I would classify my parenting most closely to that of the Modern Parent. I am definitely not a Helicopter Parent. I want my children to choose what they want to do, I do not want them failing to become a doctor twenty years from now and blaming me for not providing them more choices when growing up. They will have a myriad of others things to blame on mom, I don’t want their career paths to be the cherry on top. I would like to be Free-Range Parent. I teach my daughters self-reliance, and every day is a lesson in independence (or is it my own laziness? “Get your own Sippy cup of juice; you know how to open the fridge door!”). But, unfortunately, there are state laws about letting your independent three year old walk herself to the park, half a mile away, to play. I do not hover but I do keep an eye on my daughters, so based on my observations, I self-categorize myself as the Modern Parent. Good or bad, it is the Parenting choice I think will least likely damage my girls.

What kind of parent are you?